[JPL] . ~BLUES RULES:~ (oldie but goodie)

[Basso at aol.com]

~BLUES RULES:~ 


1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I  got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick 
something  nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman,
with the meanest dog in  town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat  it. Then 
find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with  the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher 
and he  weighs 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice,  convertible debentures, golden 
parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact  statements.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable  blues 
transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a  major part in the 
blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers  can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood 
means old enough to  get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the  blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. 
Hard times in Vermont or  North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. 
Louis, Austin and Kansas City  are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do  not belong in the blues:

a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
d.  taupe

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the  lighting 
is wrong.

10A. Good places for the Blues:

a. the  highway
b. the jailhouse
c. an empty bed

10B. Bad places:

a.  Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons
d. Trump  Plaza

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless  you
happen to be an old black man.
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a  southern state -- like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in  Memphis (see exception below)
d. your woman can't be satisfied.

12B.  No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you have a trust  fund.
c. you hold elected office.
d. your woman CAN be  satisfied.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the  blues.

14A. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the  blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. Irish whiskey
c.  muddy water

14B. Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any  wine Kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in  a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a  jealous lover is a blues way to die.

Other blues ways to die  include:
a. the electric chair
b. substance abuse
c. being denied  treatment in an emergency room.

It is NOT a blues death if you die during  a liposuction treatment.

16A. Some Blues names for Women
a.  Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

16B. Some Blues Names for Men
a.  Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names  like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the 
blues no matter how  many men they shoot in Memphis.

16C. Other Blues Names (Starter  Kit)
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First  name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of  President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lemon  Jefferson, Anorexic Willie, or Cripple Chirimoya. 
[Personally, I dig "Asthmatic  Kiwi Fillmore" given the above choices...]

SONG WRITERS ADHERING TO THESE  RULES WILL BE AUTHENTIC BLUES WRITERS  





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